This weekend was my core weekend and I bumped up against something that I knew was there but had not quite consciously faced in "process" or with others.
Those of you who have been following me know that I have struggled with my weight. I spent a year walking, working out and saying yes to what my body can do.
That was really important for me and although I didn't lose a huge amount of weight, I felt happier and more in tune with myself. And I realized my body could do a lot more than I ever thought it could and so those doubts are actually gone now. Even when my mind tries to say, "you can't do that", I know that I can. It was a beautiful journey of reclaiming the power of my body.
This winter, I ate to deal with personal stresses and I gained weight. I left my body in many ways, and opted for comfort over health. I became sad and disappointed and even though I will never look at that year as a failure, there were moments that I felt like had gone backwards.
But since I'm in it for the long haul, there is no end point for me, there is no place where the "work" ends and so I continue to want and long for a time when I am in a body that feels more like who I am on the inside.
This weekend we were asked to partner up, to share with someone the envy we feel towards them. I knew exactly who I needed to work with and luckily she was right next to me. As soon as we met with our eyes and confirmed we would partner up, I just started to cry. As they gave more instruction about what we were going to do, I just could not stop the tears from flowing. I was scared and feeling like this felt really deep and was touching a deep wound for me.
We paired up and I went first since my emotions were right there and ready to go. I admitted that I had a fantasy about losing weight at the beginning of a core year (the program is usually 10 months) and having people witness my transformation. It was a fantasy I've had from last year and again for this next year but I was not able to do it and here she was doing it.
She was losing weight throughout our year and looked amazing and I envied that. I cried basically throughout speaking this truth. It felt really hard to say but it was so true for me, so painfully true. I wanted that and I felt I couldn't have it..a life long story/pattern of mine.
It's more like "I do not get to have it".
It was powerful for me to admit that to her and she held space so beautifully for me.
After we finished our work together I was asked to claim it, to claim the want. I was put on one side of the towel and she on the other and we were supposed to pull. Using the towel to energize the longing, but as I stood eyes closed holding that towel, something screamed in me, to let it go. I knew I was supposed to hold on, but I couldn't and I just let it go and said "no, I don't want to WANT".
And the floodgates opened about how hard it is to want and to not always get what you want and to hold out hope for what you want. At this point I am purely in my process, crying, eyes closed, my hands at my eyes doing I don't know what, perhaps hiding or trying to catch the tears.
I want to be really clear here that what was coming out of me is not the truth of my higher self, but of my lower self, the wounded place.
I know from my higher self that hope is everything, that ultimately I can have what I want.
But the work of core is getting to those lower self places and letting them have a voice and moving through that energy.
Because the truth is that's there too. We all have those lower self places and we all have the higher self too.
And so as I stood, ranting about how hard it is, they gave me the racket and cube (it's a big cushioned cube) so I could hit it and say "it's too hard, I don't want to want, I won't, etc. It was time to move this stuck energy.
I screamed at times, loud blood curdling screams that felt like they set my insides on fire. I needed that like I needed water, like I need air. I needed to scream.
I could hear myself say, "i just want to climb out of this body, this body is not me, this body does not represent who I am, I can't stand it" and I could feel my arms and hands making the motion of climbing out, in disgust. Again more lower self that needed space to come out.
While I cannot remember each piece of the process, I do remember the wanting to climb out of my body to be a really clear want. I may even have called it a prison at one point. I think someone asked, what do you want?
I said very clearly I wanted happiness and that's why I wanted to lose weight, and sell my art and find love and all the thing I wanted in my life were really because I wanted to be "happy". And that felt like a really clear "want" and in that moment I allowed myself to fully have it. To fully feel it in me.
That same night we had a spiritual service that was mostly dancing for about an hour and a half. My usual M.O is to avoid anything to do with movement especially in public.
That night I danced in my body across that large room, like I had no weight at all. I felt like a child, free in ways I was never really free as a little girl.
Being able to say everything I felt earlier in the day and being able to let the pain come out allowed me to make space for the love I have for my body, and space to BE in my body.
The next day (the workshops are a full weekend) we had to do about an hour of movement and again, no self consciousness, just completely in my body and moving and falling in love. During our share time I said, "I feel really embodied, I felt no self consciousness at all. I wonder who is this? But I really feel "in love" right now.
The processing continues and the real work is not forgetting, the real work is taking this home into my real world. The real work is to continue loving and nurturing my body and finding my happiness in me.
Did you miss my post on depression last week? Here it is.