I wrote this in March of 2014. I'm revisiting the deep truth in it today. I hope it is helpful to some of you who are struggling to "be here".
I have felt an amazing awakening in my life, but it did not come without some periods of deep unconsciousness (being asleep at the wheel of my life), being so far into my pain that I could not fully experience love or life fully.
I've been there, more times than I have been in this beautifully alive place.
I still visit that painful place now and again but I am now becoming way too anchored in the truth of my life and the visits into pain are less intense and do not seem as true anymore if that makes sense.
This poem is about the transition from not wanting to be here to fully being here. It is very raw and personal, but I know from experience that sharing myself in this way is both healing for me and for so many others and that is what continually opens me to sharing my journey with you. I'm including the written poem as well as a video of me reading it.
I’ve always had one foot in one life,
And the other in the after life.
I remember carrying the
Endless screams of wounding,
like badges of honor
like proof that I had suffered enough
that I deserved better,
I had done my time.
Anything had to be better than this.
I didn’t want to be here but I clung nonetheless, cause quitters suck.
And I was not a quitter.
Walking in two worlds makes for a weary life
Always having “maybe” at the tip of my tongue
Looking then looking away
Seeking then shutting it down
Hopeful then hopeless
There were times when I convinced myself
That my time here was up
And I found extreme comfort in it
I didn’t awaken in one moment,
things did not become clear,
in one shining miraculous moment of self realization.
My awakening was a slow burn,
it still burns
But somewhere there were a string of moments,
When I decided to be more here than there
I remember the moments
When I recognized the
Deliciousness of this life
And Beyond Lovely
This life can be
I remember the brief yet undeniable moments when I chose this life over the other.
The moments when I understood that the afterlife could not match this. here. life.
Where love just explodes in your heart
Where being human held such delicious tangibility and possibility
Where one can heal, change, transform and awaken
And feel it deep in your bones
How sweet awakening is…
How alive and vibrant it is to open
After being closed
To feel love again after feeling broken
To feel the touch of another
After living protected and untouched
How sweet it is
to remember who we are
Never will there be such delicious contrast
It is reserved only for this realm.
I remember when I decided to live
And being here was much cooler than being
Here is a video of me reading my poem Awakening set to images of my art