I wrote this in March of 2014. I'm revisiting the deep truth in it today. I hope it is helpful to some of you who are struggling to "be here".

I have felt an amazing awakening in my life, but it did not come without some periods of  deep unconsciousness (being asleep at the wheel of my life), being so far into my pain that I could not fully experience love or life fully.

I've been there, more times than I have been in this beautifully alive place.

I still visit that painful place now and again but I am now becoming way too anchored in the truth of my life and the visits into pain are less intense and do not seem as true anymore if that makes sense.

This poem is about the transition from not wanting to be here to fully being here. It is very raw and personal, but I know from experience that sharing myself in this way is both healing for me and for so many others and that is what continually opens me to sharing my journey with you.  I'm including the written poem as well as a video of me reading it.




I’ve always had one foot in one life,

And the other in the after life.


I remember carrying the

Endless screams of wounding,

like badges of honor

like proof that I had suffered enough

that I deserved better,


I had done my time.


Anything had to be better than this.


I didn’t want to be here but I clung nonetheless, cause quitters suck.

And I was not a quitter.


Walking in two worlds makes for a weary life

Non committal

Always having “maybe” at the tip of my tongue

Looking then looking away

Seeking then shutting it down

Hopeful then hopeless


There were times when I convinced myself

That my time here was up

And I found extreme comfort in it



I didn’t awaken in one moment,

things did not become clear,

in one shining miraculous moment of self realization.


My awakening was a slow burn,

it still burns

 But somewhere there were a string of moments,

When I decided to be more here than there


I remember the moments

When I recognized the

Deliciousness of this life

how precious



And Beyond Lovely

This life can be



I remember the brief yet undeniable moments when I chose this life over the other.

 The moments when I understood that the afterlife could not match this. here. life.


Where love just explodes in your heart

Where being human held such delicious tangibility and possibility

Where one can heal, change, transform and awaken

And feel it deep in your bones


How sweet awakening is…


How alive and vibrant it is to open

After being closed

To feel love again after feeling broken

To feel the touch of another

After living protected and untouched


How sweet it is

to remember who we are


Never will there be such delicious contrast

It is reserved only for this realm.


I remember when I decided to live

And being here was much cooler than being


Here is a video of me reading my poem Awakening set to images of my art