Lately I have words coming out of my mouth that I am not used to hearing, so I get a little curious and excited about them because I've never heard myself talk about myself in this way.
I think humility is so important and I never want to be considered cocky or braggy..in fact I love to celebrate successes because it is very healing for me to do so, not because I want to be better than anyone else, or show you how wonderful I am.
I was brought up by someone who could not celebrate me, someone who did not see me or my gifts.
I don't remember ever being encouraged and in fact I felt put down most of my childhood. I won't even go into all the horrible things that were said to me. They were enough to have me shooting up in a dark alley, or babbling in a corner.
I really don't know how I lived through that and came out the human being I am today.
Today as a 45 year old woman, I choose to celebrate ME. I choose to own the gifts I have and the person I am.
It is my full circle healing journey of coming back to the truth of who I am and reclaiming the pieces of me that were lost in trauma.
It is important.
Just like the selfies that fly in the face being called ugly, the paintings that shake you and pull you in because of their power, just like the little celebratory posts on Facebook when someone shares a victory, a story of being touched by my art, or the posts where I share that I have sold a piece of artwork.
All part of the healing process for me.
Lately I can feel my confidence changing even more, elevating to a new level.
A part of me fears this, I don't want to be considered "cocky, conceited" or any other negative word associated with being too big for your britches. I want people to like me not hate me of course...but, and this is big, I can only be me and I can't be responsible for how someone reacts to me or what story they make up in their head about me and why I do what I do. And that is a healing process too. Letting go of being the "good girl", trying to "get it right" all the time, and wanting "everyone to like me" but more importantly "dimming my light to make you more comfortable". It just ain't happening anymore. I can't be that person, because all that comes out of that is an unhappy, repressed, suppressed being who can't function in the world.
So here is a little victory.
I caught myself a few days ago, saying to someone (you know who you are), do you see how grounded I am? (HOLY cow, what did I just say?? How cocky did that sound?). But I felt that so strongly in that moment, I felt how grounded I was. And guess what, just one day later in my core group, I did some work with someone who had to identify a big piece of me, a word that came to mind when she experiences my presence...yeah you guessed it. First words out of her mouth was grounded, then roots, then fierce.
We settled on Fierce Roots cause that feels really right and really true and kind of sexy.
Today, out of nowhere it seems, I was having a conversation with my friend, in which we were talking about what element we are. She said she was fire but admitted she may be operating like water. I said I am for sure fire and she said nooooooo, you are EARTH, 100 percent! In that moment, I remembered "fierce roots" and "grounded" and knew that I was seen so accurately in that moment. Another piece of healing for me..being seen, really being seen.
Am I grounded all the time? NOT. But yes one of my gifts is being grounded and keeping my center and being present to people. I love looking in people's eyes, and listening to them when they are present to themselves. I love being here and feeling my feet on the ground, really feeling myself and the weight and volume of my presence. I strive for that in all that I do.
I am still Fire but I am Earth too, I am grounded, I am roots, I am fierce, I am FIERCE ROOTS.