A History of Long Suffering and Healing

I am a long-sufferer.

I know how to tolerate the intolerable.

As a child I was powerless in relieving my own suffering. I cried myself to sleep a lot.

There was no way out. As I grew older I tried to run. I was sent back by my father, back to the angry grip of my mother time and time again. I learned "helplessness". ("Learned helplessness is behavior typical of an organism (human or animal) that has endured repeated painful or otherwise aversive stimuli which it was unable to escape or avoid.")

As an adult, I continued to tolerate the intolerable in my marriage and taught my daughter to be a long sufferer too. That part is even more painful. I stayed for far too long and did not protect my daughter. I suffered and made her suffer for a long time. It wasn't okay but I truly did not think I could leave. Like the elephant chained to the post for years, who when unchained doesn't leave his confined area, I also didn't know I could go. I knew I should, but I didn't know I could. 

 I left my mother's home, and then my father's home and then married never truly understanding that I had power. 

After I finally left my marriage, the body conflicts became stronger. Swapping one situation of helplessness it seemed for another. 

I often went long periods with physical symptoms that were unbearable at times until I couldn't take it any more. I know how to take pain, I know how to be with pain and on some level I learned early on that I deserved pain, that I should just take it. In fact the frequent beatings directly taught me how to tolerate pain. You have to do something when someone is hitting or slapping you and when you can't run, you learn how to dissociate from your body. I learned how to tolerate by checking out and it  became the way I lived.

It is a habitual way of being, I have to work on daily. And it isn't until something reaches a threshold of of intolerability which is much higher than that of other people, that I seem to wake up and realize what's happening and that I need to do something.  After that comes the shame at not having known sooner, at not being awake. How could I not know, why didn't I do anything sooner, what was a thinking? It is a deep shame at being "not normal", "broken" somehow. 

I am awake to it now and still it happens even if it's on a smaller scale.

Today as I sat on my kitchen floor trying to plug up a hole with steel wool so the mice don't get into my apartment, I just sat and sobbed. Why am I tolerating this? Every fall I have to deal with this, every fall I catch them, set them free until there are no more.  I hate it, I hate that I am living in this lovely apartment in a beautiful town and dealing with this. I hate that I stay and don't see any other way. That I shut down possibilities in my head because of my learned helplessness. And the sobbing isn't just about this pest issue, it's about the shame, and the guilt of not believing I deserve more or better. That's the part that gets me every single time. 

Even though I've come a long way, there are still remnants of this in me and the shame is strong around this. But to heal shame one must shine a light on it and this is what I'm doing here today.

What helps is to see how far I've come:

These days, I go pretty soon after developing any symptom that feels off. I'm learning to trust my body more. I've learned the hard way not to ignore my body.

I do not tolerate the intolerable in my friendships.

I am no longer in a toxic partnership.

I am able to communicate and articulate how I feel when I feel the need to stand up for myself. 

I still have work to do around boundaries in my familial relationships and to be more grounded in my environment and more aware.

If we are long sufferers I think it's important to examine the areas in our lives were we have high thresholds for pain. Where do you tolerate the intolerable? What are we believing about life and ourselves that keeps us in situations that are painful? 

Perhaps you we are believing we can't get any better than what we have. Perhaps we are afraid of failing, of being disappointed, of not being supported.

Some long held beliefs keep us in these situations and I believe we can heal those old stories and create a new story.

It's how I have lived my life, piece by piece reclaiming my right to love, to safety, to joy, to power, to abundance, to all that was denied me as a child. I believe we can all do it. And it will not happen all at once, there are layers, and life so clearly shows them to us even when we don't want to see, especially when we don't want to see. Leading us to that core wound of unworthiness and unlovability back to the truth of who we are, getting us closer to the truth if we can just stay awake enough feel it and see it.

I am Willing

People ask me how do I sell so many of my paintings. For perspective there are quite a few paintings I haven't sold and I don't sell all the time but if I was to pinpoint one thing that seems to be important in this process of selling and sharing my art with others, it would be this:

I keep showing up even when it's uncomfortable.

The person you see on FB and through various social media is real, but with that willingness to keep showing up and shine my light and share my gifts comes a struggle and battle within. Each step I take forward comes with a fear of not being accepted, of being misunderstood or not liked.   Just like anyone else I'm afraid of rejection, afraid of being on the outs, not included, not welcomed. It is a deep wound I actively work on everyday, to not assume that I am not worthy and valuable in the world. For so long it was my natural assumption after being raised by a mother who treated me as if I was not worthy of love and connection.

The voice from childhood says,  who are you to..sell your paintings, teach classes, have a group just for your art, go to Italy, be happy, be beautiful, be safe, to be seen, to be okay.

The moves I make in my life and business really come down to a willingness to keep showing up even when I'm uncomfortable, even when every move I make is made with that voice at times trying to pull me down into the safety of isolation and being hidden. 

The truth is there is a lot of discomfort coupled with joy and excitement every time I put my heart on the canvas and share it with others. But I'm willing, because I'm worth it, the work is worth it, what I am doing is way beyond me. Who I am not to do it?

And there is this beautiful inexplicable delight in watching something take form, not know why or how or where it came from and then to have someone confirm it is indeed theirs and was meant for them.

With my courses, I am reminded over and over how online experiences with other women all lifting each other up and with focused guidance and invitations into a deeper knowing, lives can been impacted in beautiful and profound ways.

If Spirit is working through me, my art, my writing, my courses, who am I not to show up. And so..

I am willing not to be liked,

I am willing to be seen.

I am willing to be misunderstood.

I am willing to be uncomfortable.

I am willing to serve.

I am willing to own my right to be here.

I am willing to shine my light, to remain open even when it's scary.

I am willing to say yes to my life and all of the infinite possibilities within this one life I have been given.

I am willing to repeatedly let go of the old voice and listen to my higher self.

I am willing and ready to wrap myself in the joy of living.

Are you willing to show up, to be seen, to share your gifts with your world even if it is uncomfortable, even if your voice shakes and your knees knock?

I hope so, because the world needs you. We need your voice, your gift, and the beauty of your existence. 

To join us for the next Journey of Yes Thursday, October 15th click here

Taking the Leap in Italy 2 and The Power of Saying YES

It has been three weeks since I came home from Italy and I am still in some ways processing the experience but there is a story I want to tell you.

I think this story is really important because we all struggle with feelings around scarcity, around trusting whether things will in fact work out if we take a leap and go for a dream in our lives. This is a true story of a real Journey of YES. It's not just me giving a class on it, it is me LIVING it and I really truly want you to have your own journey of yes, again and again. 

So this is how it went.

Before going to Italy, I had this plan to move out of my apartment.

My intention was to move out of my apartment, put my things in storage and go on a 43 day trip to Italy. The plan was to figure it all out when I came back.  A hernia issue put that move on hold and on June 18th, I sent out the following in my newsletter to my peeps. Pay close attention to the last part: 

"As many of you know my plan was to move out of my apartment before my trip to Italy. But my body said a resounding NO to that when my hernia started getting bigger as a result of all the packing. I've had the hernia for years, it's was small and never really bothered me.

I've decided to listen, back off and just enjoy my trip and not put the added pressure of a big move in the mix.

There is also another piece to the decision to move a few months ago and once I'm on solid ground with it, I'll share with all of you. I anticipate telling a very victorious story about all this in the end. Sorry to be vague, but I am still working through it."

So here is the truth about that other piece. 

The truth was that even though I know I need to leave this apartment at some point because I haven't been happy here for quite some time, the main reason was that I didn't believe I could keep my apartment AND go to Italy.  My mind could not wrap itself around being able to support myself completely in another country for 43 days and pay all my bills back home.

Scarcity thinking had me believing I could not make that happen. 

The gift of this hernia was that I had to make that happen. I had to find a way to make it to Italy, support myself while there and take care of everything back home. And the story I wanted to tell, was that not only did I do it, but I was able to cover everything, have the time of my life and paint and sell my paintings while there.

I am here to tell you that I did it!!

I freaking did it!!!

I not only paid all of my bills and expenses while in Italy but also some unexpected expenses related to Shelly (my doggie) that came up as well. And I even treated myself to my first tattoo !

So how in the heck did I do it?

Here's the behind the scenes story of how it played out.

I said yes to Italy before I had the money to go. My best friend Edie said I will pay half your ticket if you come. Of course at first I thought she was crazy, I thought of all the reasons why I could not go. Heck I don't even leaving my house for too many hours and I suffer from chronic pain daily, there was no way I could make it through that flight.

But at some point I realized I could not say no. There was no way I could pass up an opportunity of a lifetime and my family all encouraged me to go.

I had to go.

I said YES. I made the decision.   

Within a few days, the money showed up for the rest of my ticket and then some.

I booked it.

Still no idea how I would come up with the money for our shorter Rome trip, spending money, and pay all the bills while I was gone, but I was IN.

There was no turning back.

A part of me didn't believe I was going, or comprehend what I was about to do. It was just some fantasy in mind. Which is really how it goes when you want to do something you've never done before. You can't really wrap your mind around it, you have an idea of how it might go, but really you don't know and you just kind of have to trust it.

Even with selling my paintings, at the rate I do on average, it usually only covers the basics. That was the reality but when you are taking a leap of faith it's like you can't really look at reality...you kind of have to be slightly delusional.  

So how in the world was I going to come up with an extra two to three thousand dollars? 

Here is the thing, there is something about saying yes and actually booking something that leaves you no choice, that activates your mind in such a way that you begin thinking about all the ways you CAN do it. There is something about the power of saying yes even when you don't know the HOW of it yet that begins to transmit an opening into the universe that can now be filled..because you are open and clear that this IS going to happen, somehow, some way.

And it did.

Within a couple of weeks I had the money of the Rome trip, hotel and airfare.  Check.

Now all I needed was spending money and enough money to pay for everything back home. So instead of sitting back and hoping and praying and waiting, I decided to make a plan. I would work my way through Italy.

I would paint while there, paintings influenced by my time there. I sent supplies ahead and made lots of room for my flat canvas panels and other supplies in my suitcase. Edie was gracious enough to let me use her supplies as well as she set up her dining room table so that her and I had a space to work while I was there.

I also wanted a way to thank those who bought paintings before my trip and during since they were making the dream happen for me. So, I would also send a long little Italian gifts along with paintings. These little elements of gratitude mattered and contributed to what I call the waves of yes I kept riding on throughout the trip. 

The second part of this was the energetic part. The part where I would bring everyone along for the ride because I knew that for me that would amp my own excitement and strengthen my vibration while there. I am someone who loves to share her journey, I love to bring people along and share the joy. It's part of my personality. And so I shared everything every step of the way, I shared the art I was making, I captured every beautiful and inspiring moment I could. And that kept my energy high, and kept me inspired to create more and more paintings. In just 43 days minus the week in Rome when I didn't paint, I painted 16 paintings, plus one painting that was a collaboration with Edie. (seen below, isn't it beautiful?)

this painting is still available, email me at sgagos@aol.com for details

And the way the universe responded was by matching me up with people who were excited for me, who got something out of watching me fly, who were inspired to fly in their own lives. And in many ways those Italy paintings were symbols of hope and the great leap of faith I took. They were infused with a certain energy that was powerful and people responded to them and brought them home. Out of 16 paintings, 13 of them sold. And that paid for my trip, and everything I needed.

How cool is that?

I learned so much from this experience. I learned that saying yes is even more powerful than I thought it was and even though I have been facilitating cycles of the Journey of Yes and walking my talk, this is by far the biggest and bravest thing I have done in a very long time.

I really can say from this experience I know what it's like to take a big leap of faith, to trust the process, to trust that the universe (insert your word here) and you will be held if you believe. I lived it, I experienced it first hand. 

Was it a perfect journey, no, by no means.  While it has been one of the most expansive experiences of my life, I did have someone very close to me have a traumatic experience while I was gone and so the wounded part of me has definitely been piping in with thoughts like "you see, you can't totally be happy", "you see the shoe dropped", " but my work now is to continue to believe in the power of yes, to keep my faith in love and joy. To know that I am still being held, I am always held. To trust what experienced and take as much as I can from it going forward.

My faith is strong, so strong that it brought me to Italy and sustained me while there. Nothing can take that away. And so as you say yes, trust, be open, get clear, get ready, it's going to be one hell of a ride and it's so worth it.

You are worth it.

You can fly.

You just have to say YES from the deepest part of you, a real true, I am gonna freaking do it, come hell or high water kind of YES. It has to be that sure, that strong, until then you are not truly saying yes, you are saying maybe and the universe doesn't really know what to do with "maybe". 

Say yes for real. Get ready, dig in, make it happen, find a way , stay the course, trust, ride the waves baby. I'm proof that it can be done.

I really want to see you fly.

Join us for the next Journey of YES starting October 15th. Register here

 

Taking the Leap in Italy Part One

Before leaving to Sicily, I really had no idea that I could actually take this kind of trip. I wasn't sure if my body could handle it, if I could handle being away from home this long.

Between the fibromyalgia, chronic back pain, and other health issues plus a hernia that recently became much bigger and more uncomfortable, I really didn't think I could do it. 

My body though is holding up very well. I have the usual aches and pains but nothing that I can't handle.  I even made it through a very physically brutal week in Rome.

Now that I'm here I am so grateful I took the chance.

I am so happy I planned for 43 days here. Today is day 18 and I feel like I have lived many lives since arriving here. 

I traveled 4562 miles, to get here, I've visited gorgeous Sicilian towns, I spent 5 days in Rome and have painted 5 paintings so far.  I'm with what I would call "family" and so I feel very held and safe. I am still pushing edges, going way beyond my comfort zone. I'm telling you this because I really want you to know that if there is something you want to do and you are just not sure how you will do it, start planning it anyway. Think about it, dream about it, write it down, say it out loud, get ready. You don't have to know how. If I made this happen, you can make whatever is in your heart happen.

Just believe and expect it to come into being and eventually it will.

I had no idea how I would do on the flight, how I would pay for this trip, how I would do here physically and emotionally. I could not wrap my brain around it. But the money has shown up when I needed it, I made it through that long flight and my body has truly held me in all this. It's really been such a gift.

I feel beyond grateful.

So back to Italy...it is just so beautiful here!! 

 Every door, window and alley dripping with beauty.

The food is amazing. The gelato is to die for.

The art, the sculptures, the architecture are out of this world.

If you are Facebook you may have seen my regular daily updates, video clips, and pics of my travels.

Here are some pics and highlights of my first two weeks here and my absolute favorite parts of the experience so far.

Thank you for being here!

Windows!

Doors

The food is amaazing!!

A street in Siracusa, Sicily

I am so inspired!

These are my first two paintings, Viola and Porta de Sogni (sold)

Laviana: Woman of Rome

My third painting Porta alla Speranza   (available)

The art is stunning!

The sculptures are just dripping with beauty and emotion.

The buildings and structures are out of this world.

And I feel like a giggly school girl on the trip of a lifetime.

Being a Woman of Color and Charleston

 I know that racism is a loaded subject but what happened in Charleston deeply affected me as a woman of color and a human being. I shared this on Facebook, but I realize many of you on my list are not on Facebook, so I am re-sharing here.

I painted this painting a few days after the Charleston Massacre. I was deeply affected by what happened and spent much of the days following, crying, listening to the Color of Fear on Youtube and painting this painting. It was my way processing my feelings.  Afterwards I just didn't have any more words.

I included the 9 figures of those who were killed and one figure for the survivors who must be so traumatized and devastated to have been there during this massacre. And then the little girl was mentioned to me a week later and I knew I had to include her, facing out and looking at you when you look at the painting. For me she completed the piece.

This is what I shared on Facebook and I share it with all of you because speaking my truth is absolutely essential to my health, and my well being and if I'm going to share the journey with you, my journey, then I must be honest about all parts of the journey not just the joy, and excitement, but the loss and grief, and the feelings of feeling like "other".

From my FB status:

As a woman of color I am heartbroken. I don't have a lot of words to say, in fact I have purposely refrained from talking about the stories of brutality and injustice not because I don't care, but because I really am trying to absorb it all. I am trying to process it and there is no processing it.

I have friends from all races and I love all of them AND not BUT, inequality and racism exists.

There is no doubt in my mind and I myself having lived in predominantly white neighborhoods since my twenties, have experienced numerous occasions of being followed in stores, being asked to put my bag behind the counter and then seeing that no one else in the dressing room was asked to do the same, I've been approached by a manager at a buffet table and asked if I had paid for the buffet when he could have easily checked with my waiter.

I am often the minority in many of my circles throughout the years. It is something that I notice, and can't help but notice. I have been accepted and loved in many of my circles but it feels sad to me when I attend a retreat or art workshop and am the only person of color. It is interesting and curious to me when my ethnic girls do not sell as much as my other girls.

I notice and I feel it.

These are such MINOR incidents but they tell a story, they reflect the rejection of color as other. It is devastating to know that lives are being lost because of this rejection, this hatred and fear of "other". We are not "other". We are all human. And of course most of the people on my FB feed know this, but not everyone gets this as evidenced by the disparate treatment of people of color.

I must admit I have been afraid to speak up because the last thing I want to do is alienate the beautiful people I have come to know here. But being silent does not educate, being silent perpetuates the myth that racism is exaggerated or the myriad of myths I am witnessing of threads on this issue. I can't be silent anymore.

And if we love each other then having hard conversations is a gift we give to one another and if something pains you I want to know and I would hope that you would want to know when something pains me. Having these conversations is really about being human and wanting the best for your fellow man.

Saying Yes to My Body Again and Again

Every time I work on connecting with my body, nurturing it and practicing body love through food and movement, I feel like I'm approaching it from a deeper angle than I have before.

In the early years it was about recognizing I even had a body after spending my formative years outside of my body to cope with the trauma.

I spent a lot of years on the run from my body. For years it kept calling me back with various ailments and dis-ease. It still calls me back when I don't listen.

I limited myself greatly for years, believing that my body just couldn't do certain things.

So when I really started living from my yes, it was my body that I first said YES to.  That first year and half of my yes journey was all about saying yes to my body and seeing what it could do. I needed to bust the limiting beliefs I had about how much I could do physically and I did. I now know my body is capable of more than I originally believed it was capable of.

I do still have my limitations physically due to several surgeries and health issues, but for the most part, I shattered those old beliefs and experienced a physical and mental vibrancy I had never experienced before.

My connection started to slip about 8 months ago and I found myself checking out once again with my old trusty way of numbing out...food, particularly the sugar and salt cycle. But even checking out this time was different. You can never really backslide the same way again, once you have experienced growth.  You just aren't the same person backsliding and so I still thought about my body, and longed to find my way back again.

This time I'm entering into the next Journey of YES, on June 1st, saying yes to my body again.

I've already begun saying yes, juicing again, listening and paying attention, trying to move more by taking walks, eating greens every day and just eating better in general.

It took a recent health scare for me to really feel how much I value this body even with all it's tender, wobbly and chubby parts. Even with the daily chronic pain and discomfort. Even with the thoughts and feelings around being not good enough.  I love this body.

It has done the best it can do with what I have put in it. It has tried to let me know time and time again, that it needs more nutrients, that it needs to move.

It has broken down on me when it could not take the weight of my abuse with food and my negative self talk.

It's done its very best to stay alive.

I love this body more than ever now.

I'm going to Italy in this body! The one I never thought could take a long trip without completely falling apart. And hey it may fall apart for a few days, but this BODY is going to Italy and that is huge.

And yes some days I'm going to eat something that may not be the best for it, but for the most part I can work on being more loving and nurturing toward it.

I can give it vibrant and whole food.

I can listen.

I can move.

I can practice my endless gratitude for it.

I can return again and again when I leave it.

I will be here again, just not the same. I'll say yes again and again because reclaiming of my body is an integral part of healing the way I entered and was received by the world as a little girl.

While it was the portal through which severe abuse occurred at the hands of my mother and several men, it does not have to continue to pay that price.

It deserves my love, my attention, my tender loving care.

It deserves, I deserve healing and restoration. 

What are the ways you leave your body and how might you return to it? Why do YOU leave your body?