Moving Through the Darkness and Coming Home

When I am disconnected, out of flow, lost, not myself, in a dark period of disengagement with myself and my life…it feels like:

I am not engaged with my own healing process

I am not engaged with my creative process

I am avoiding, distracted, appear busy but not really doing anything in depth

Everything is hard

I don’t really want to be around people

I stop asking or dreaming or wanting or hoping

I stop thinking about the future

I feel powerless and helpless

I feel lost

I feel confused

I don’t remember who I am and what I really want

The things that excited me before do not excite me

It takes a lot of work to try and get back into the flow

I question everything

I want to understand everything and try really hard to figure it out with my mind to no avail

I think something is wrong, wrong with me, wrong with everything and I can never fix it or get back to the way I used to be

Happiness feels so far away, so foreign

I lose perspective

I don’t take care of myself

I don’t do things that are good for me

I collapse a lot as in go through brief attempts of trying to pull myself out then giving up, trying then giving up

I forget my heart, I rarely cry, or cry too much, my heart feels overwhelmed or numb.  One extreme or the other

I forget why I am here

I forget my value and the value of what I do

I lose my identity, and do not remember who I am

I feel wounded, broken and lost

Any decisions I make while in this place fall short somehow and often lack in rootedness and often stem from fear

I feel like I am in a dark night of the soul

Some might call these periods depression. It really doesn’t matter what you call it but what matters is what you do during these times in which you feel so far away from yourself.

In my late twenties and early thirties I took medication for it. And that served me for a while. It was really important that I manage the symptoms at the time. I didn’t really understand what was going on for me or what to do about it or what it all meant. In time I started to gather tools, and a greater understanding of what was beneath the depression and I started to find ways of healing and moving through these times.

I learned early on a pattern of checking out of my life in order to survive. It became an automatic response for me whenever things became uncomfortable or hard in any way.

Depression for me normally comes right after a checking out, which often happens in response to something being "too much." If I don't notice the checking out, I become more and more checked out and pretty soon I feel far apart from who I truly am, what I'm saying yes to and any joy or pleasure. It's kind of like falling asleep at the wheel. By the time you notice , you may already be in a ditch somewhere.

For me the falling asleep, the disengagement, feeds on itself and can continue for days, weeks or even months.

I’m going to tell you about what has worked for me but know that you alone have the answers for how you can move through these dark periods. Everyone is different. Note: Do not hesitate to use medical resources such as medication if that feels right for you.

These days it’s a matter of taking care of myself on all levels, approaching it from a mind, body and spirit perspective. Also having an understanding of my seasonal rhythms helps. The winter naturally brings on these periods for me and I know that ramping up my approaches during the winter months is necessary.

Sometimes I just have to be in the pit for a while before I am ready to emerge.

Today, when, I’m in it, it’s still hard and yucky, and scary because I know when I am not in alignment and I know what it feels like to be fully engaged in my life.  There is great sadness, fear and shame when I’m not.  The lie that plays itself out is that I am failing everyone, I am a fraud. This gets me even more kinked up and pretty soon I am a big hot mess trying to find my way out of a hole that feels deep and endless.

That is the truth of it for me.

I will also often try to medicate myself with food during these periods, but the food and the extra weight takes me further and further away from myself. 

I can feel myself less.

The weight acts as a buffer especially in my belly, a buffer between me and what I'm actually feeling and what’s really going on for me.  It is a subconscious way of protecting myself from the uncomfortable feelings of being in this place.

I know this but I'll eat because not feeling is more comfortable, and familiar.

I watch and try to be compassionate with myself until I’m no longer running from myself, until I am exhausted enough to say enough. 

For some reason during these periods of darkness, this is what it takes to come back, I have to get really tired of being out of a alignment to start to come back to myself.  It is as if I have to swing far to the left before I can make my way to center because center is a new place for me, because center feels good and can also be a scary place to the parts of me that are not used to things being okay, to things being more than okay.

Paths to Coming Home

What helps me immensely, is the understanding that these periods are not endless and in fact they are very important to my process. 

 

When I am in this place, it is often a time of deep contraction around a larger expansion. This darker period is there so that I can rise up to the level of the next expansion.

This darkness is rich with pieces of me that still need healing, surfacing because I cannot yet step into my new way of being until I have resolved them to some extent. 

One thing that truly helps me, is knowing that the dark periods are normally followed by a period of great expansion.  I must often step outside of myself during these times and remind myself that it is temporary.  Trusting the process, knowing this is a temporary place relieves my weary soul.

Sitting in the truth of what is arising, not running from it, facing it, feeling it, speaking to it, loving it, having the patience to reflect on it often relieves the suffering.

During these periods, my only job, is to focus on feeling good again, on finding joy again, and while I normally cannot leap from the dark period into joy, I can find relief and slowly start to make my way back.

Rarely is it instantaneous, although that does happen and there are moments in which I can feel joy, I can laugh, and feel pleasure.

Self care is a must and even if that means just the simplest of things, that is enough.

Loving myself through it and letting go of the need to understand why, is also important. Trying to figure it out is truly a mind-fuck until you start to make your way out. Then you can truly get a better perspective on what was going on.

While  your in it, not so much.

Honoring the no, the “I don’t wanna” . Sometimes we don’t want to get out of the pit, it is familiar and being in the light and outside and seen may feel way too hard.  The little girl inside who wants to be safe and in a cocoon needs to be heard and honored too.

Let the “I don’t wanna” voice speak. Speak from her voice in your journal, let her have her say.

Finding the yes even in the smallest things. Perhaps the biggest things I can say yes to in these periods are moments of petting my dog, or taking her for a walk, or cooking a meal, or drawing a doodle and that is enough.

Movement is lifesaving, be it dance, walking, stretching, enlisting my body and coming home to my body, invariably brings me back to myself.

Breath and focusing on it, noticing it, breathing deeply, can really bring me home.

Writing, makes me feel alive, it helps me un-layer things, unpack them, make sense and understand my own power. Sometimes it just helps me to dump it out, the darkness in my head.

Painting is one of my straight lines to spirit. When I’m painting, I feel spirit move through me, I know I am being spoken to. I believe again.

Connecting with others, being seen where I am, being accepted, having intimate conversations with people I trust can make such a difference even if all I want to do is isolate.

Know the truth of my value, why I am here, what I'm here to do and reminding myself that my life extends far beyond me. It's not just about me.  I am here to awaken aliveness in myself and others. It is perfect that I am called back to my own aliveness constantly on this journey.

Finally, and I don't know any other way to say this but lightening the fuck up, not taking everything so seriously, relaxing, softening, laughing at my own endless brooding..my need to make sense of it all, because in the end who knows what it all means and don't you just want to enjoy the damn ride?

Yeah that..enjoying the ride, living, opening, softening, laughing, crying, feeling, raging, smiling, loving, it's how we are meant to live this "one precious life"

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

Mary Oliver

100 Faces Update 47-54

Face 47 was for a figure drawing class with Diane Rosen. I enjoyed it so much and the live model we working with had such a great face and great hair to work with. She had beautiful big blue eyes and blondish short dreadlike hair. And playing with pastel and charcoal was so much fun and a first for me. I also loved working on the figure. Hoping to do more.

Face 48 is one of my spirit girls for an amazing woman in the U.K. I just love the softness and innocence in her. I worked mainly with acrylics in this one.

Face 49

This adorable little face on wood is currently sitting on my altar, awaiting her new home. Her name is Wild.  I've since painted her sides a bright orange and put a nice glossy coat of medium on her. Mostly acrylics. You can take her home here if you are interested.

Next up is Face 50, this is another spirit girl for a good friend of the family. She's still here in my home and she is going to get picked up next Saturday. Can't wait to give it to her. The lion was so much fun! Who knew I could paint a lion head lol. I sure didn't. Love it when that happens.

Face 51 was a quick painting I did on wood. I'm still thinking of playing with her some more. I feel like she has more of a story to tell. I love the inner child on the right, for me that part of the painting fascinates me most.

52 is a painting I made for a group show on "interiors" I love her! She is transparent and some of her organs and skeletal structure shows as well as her bleeding heart. She was a lot of fun and I love the edge I stretched in this piece. She is available. Her name is "See Me"

Both 53 and 54 are drawings I made in my new portraits class with Diane Rosen, based on a live model. I am thoroughly enjoying the class and the strides I am making in working with realism a bit more. I love my style and I really love whimsy and faces that are non-traditional, but occasionally I'll like to work more realistically should I choose. I'm learning so much. We are working with charcoal and pastel and our instructor does not smudge or blend. Which is what often we naturally do with these two mediums. These two faces are not finished yet, but I'm including them as they are the next two faces I am working on.

Thank you so much for following along!

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A Glimpse Into My Own Personal Healing Work

Last night I did some work in my core energetics group around energy management and how I either go all out with my energy, or get really tired or feel too exposed and then retract and go inward.

How I'm really seeking a balance to this and how painful it is when I contract and close in on myself. In those moments I lose connection with myself, with others and I lose that delicious feeling of aliveness and totally lose my yes.

Much of my childhood was spent coming out and going back in. The going back in was usually from being shut down. I was being too much or too sensitive, or too out there, or had too much of an attitude. All the normal explorations of being a young woman, of finding my way were met with physical or emotional violence.

I never learned to manage my energy, to understand my own impulses, how my desires and wants and needs mattered and how to regulate my own nervous system. The unfortunate result of this is that even excitement and joy can be experienced as a threat and I am not accustomed to balance.

I didn't really know what I needed help with last night, but I knew I needed to do a piece of work, I knew that lately, I wasn't quite feeling as grounded and centered as I wanted to be and that recently there had been a pulling back when what I really wanted deep down is to step IN (in my life, my business, my relationships).

I stood in front of the group and described this feeling of being so out there, that I felt exposed and how at times the compliments were so delightful yet hard for me to absorb fully. I felt like I was on a fast moving train and my energy was swirling and leaking everywhere and I didn't know how to balance it and be in it, really BE in it with complete presence.

The facilitator had me step in and I took a baby step in and immediately felt the tears come and my hands go up to my eyes as if to stop the tears from coming.

My inner little girl came up strongly in that moment and I could hear myself say in a squeaky childlike voice: "it's so scary out there". They asked me what I was afraid of and I heard the little voice say "everything".

And so the next part of the process was to get me to make contact visually with people in the room, to hit the cube with I don't want to step in, and to be IN that (in core energetics we use a cushioned cube and a tennis racket or bat to move energy that is stagnant or blocking us)

I vacillated back and forth with wanting to step in and wanting to NOT step in, with hitting then wanting to collapse and not hit and not move energy.  It felt very much like my pattern in life.

At some point  I was asked to speak from my truth, and say something that is true to each person and as I went around the room, I l said: I love to paint, I love to write, I love to teach, I want to be safe, I want to be in love, I want to deepen my connection to spirit.

I could feel my nervous system start to regulate, I could feel myself get more grounded, I could feel my center, the more I spoke from my core, the more I breathed deeply and spoke my truth and connected to the loving souls in the room.

The facilitator, helped me re-framed the I want part and asked me to say "I am" instead and so I worked with I am safe which felt not true until I said I am safe in this room with all of you and that felt so completely true.

I re-framed I want to be in love and said I am IN love all the time, I am loved by so many people and that felt true too and I cried some more.

Then finally I said, I am connected to spirit in everything I do, everything. I felt that to my very core. That it didn't matter whether I was painting, writing or teaching a class, spirit was working through me.

I can't tell you how powerful this was, how I could feel myself changing throughout.

They asked me what's the difference between the other place and this place I am in and I said I feel aligned, I feel centered and grounded. And I was asked, how do you know, what are the physical cues. I said I am sitting taller, I can feel straighter inside, even my voice is different.

Today, I am returning to this place of managing my energy, of balancing presence with myself and others, of receiving from a place of presence, of breathing it all in and not losing myself in the process. Today I am standing taller, and breathing more deeply, more aligned with the truth of who I am. It is in these pieces of work, that I find myself again and again and they truly allow me to do my work in the world.

Why I Paint Faces

I love faces and really didn't give much thought as to why I was drawn to faces in my art until recently.

Growing up, I grew up with a mother who did not look at me.  I especially did not feel she looked at me  with love.

All my life I searched people's faces to determine whether I was loved or not, safe or not, could trust them or not.

The face became my doorway to connection.

Even to this day, affect is super important to me. If someone cannot look at me, then I cannot really feel them or see them from a felt sense and it is often difficult for me to trust them or feel open to them.

 The face is where I feel most connected to people.

It is the place where I can determine trust, where I can sense into who they are. I am sure that energy and body language is also a huge part of this, but I notice as a trauma survivor I scan faces unconsciously all the time. I can tell if someone is hurting, angry, sad, or if something is off, just by looking at their face. Sometimes people will claim not to be angry, but it is written all over their face. I can see the seething anger underneath the smile.

Faces also are a place of beauty for me and the wider eyes I use in my stylized faces are often open and inviting. They say I am here, see me, don't look away from me. Sometimes they draw you in.

And beyond the beauty of a face there is always an underlying power, grace, sadness, strength.  Even in the sadness there is beauty.

They are truly representations of the human experience.

100 Faces Update #9 42 - 46

Face 42 is in my sketchbook. She is the inspiration for the Angel Sister's painting. I made her so quickly and she ended up being one of my favorite sketches.

Face 43 is also in my sketchbook. I made her while watching the Bachelor at my local pizza shop in between commercials LOL!

#44

Another little cutie in my sketchbook, but this time with a bit of an attitude :) I have angels on the brain apparently! And I'm loving all these quickie sketches.

#45

This is a darker portrait than what I'm used to. I played with new materials to me, like charcoal with acrylic paint. I also used alcohol, stencils, sprays. It was a lot of fun. Her name is Serenity Within and I got a lot of help with the name from my friends on Facebook.

#46

This sassy face with lots of attitude is part of a painting called Ring Leader. I had so much fun with this as I pulled her out of the patterns in the paint. Pulling is so much fun! Look at the little hat on top of her head, that was totally just there!

100 Faces Update #8 #33-41

Welcome to update #8! Woohoo!

I have been a little busy bee trying to get ready for my show in the library.

Here are faces 33 - 41.

Both 33 and 34 are both part of the same painting, called Courage of the Heart.

This painting is available for purchase. There is also a video! Yayyyy!

I love this painting, it has such a beautiful mother energy to it.

Face 35 and 36

Both 35 and 36 were my attempts at creating a portrait of my friend Tony.  He started this movement of creating portraits for other artists and swapping portraits with them. I think number 36 looks a little more like him but 35 was a good attempt!

Face 36

Face 37 and 38 are part of a pair of angels.  They come together or sold separately, but I'd really love to keep them together! They are called Angel Sisters.

I had so much fun creating these.  I also love the co-creating with fans of my work. Someone said it would look cool if they were in front of a stained glass window, so I played with that and love how it came out.

Face 38

Face 39 is Gwen the Elf Girl. So magical and fun creating her. At first she was a bit too green and so I played with the pinks more.  Here is a before and after.

BEFORE

AFTER

Face 40 is a sketch in my sketch journal which I am trying to use more. Hoping to continue practicing my drawing skills.

Face 41 is this adorable little face on an oval piece of wood. She is a love goddess.